I have a website!

My Accidental Brazilian YouTube debut

This story was read the summer of 2007 at the Zephyr Theater in LA with my friends Susan Isaacs and Ann Randolph. I thought I was getting the usual, bikini and leg wax. Oh no…

Smells Like Fish

I ran into my friend Benay yesterday at Tashi’s soccer practice in the park. She had just read my story, Stinky ‘Gina, on Offsprung.com. She said she’d never understood why people say vaginas smell like fish.  Hers doesn’t. “It really doesn’t,” she said.  I said I believed her.  Then she said she had to tell me something. She hadn’t told anyone, not even her husband, since it happened. She leaned in close and whispered in my ear.  About a week ago she got acupuncture.  She was lying face down on a massage bed with her face in one of those circle things. The acupuncturist was standing in front of her, putting needles in her head.  And I don’t know, maybe her eyes watered, but all of the sudden she was overwhelmed and said, “Oh my God, it smells like fish in here.”  The acupuncturist didn’t say anything.  When the acupuncturist walked around to put needles in her feet, Benay noticed that the smell went away.

Stinky ‘Gina

This is the type of smut that’s passing off as parenting advice.  Check out my story, Stinky ‘Gina, on Offsprung.com, an online parenting magazine for parents who don’t suck.  That’s their official motto, I think.  I love them.  They are irreverent and smart and have no problem saying ‘gina. 

Laughing at Your Child is Not Nice

I’m having a serious parenting issue, which I think I’ll discuss here.  My question is:  How devastating is it for a child when her mother laughs at her? I mean, laughs in her face. 

Yesterday my girlfriend, Victoria, and I were hugging in the kitchen when Tashi (who is 4) came in and pushed us apart.  Tashi does not like public affection.  Victoria and I usually abide, because we don’t want Tashi to feel jealous, but this time we resisted slightly and I guess Victoria had just poured herself a cup of ice-water, luckily in a plastic cup, because when Tashi barged in, the cup slipped out of Victoria’s hand.  Water crashed over Tashi’s face and the cup bounced off her forehead and Tashi burst out crying.

   

I don’t think it would have been nearly as funny if the cup didn’t bounce like it did, right off her head.  And the way she covered both eyes with her hands and shook her head left and right and then how she put up her hands in total horror and surprise.  That was like the cutest thing I’d ever seen.  

 

I grabbed a towel and dried her off, but I could not stop laughing.  Victoria couldn’t stop laughing either and I felt like I did in 5th grade when I’d gotten in trouble in class with a friend. Tashi kept crying and soon she was yelling, “It’s not funny.”  At first I tried to say, “Of course it’s not funny,” but when I looked at Victoria, who was toweling down the kitchen floor and trying her hardest not to laugh and not look at me, I started laughing all over again.  My poor little girl.

 

Then I changed my tactic and while she was still crying, I tried to tell her how funny she looked when the water splashed on her face.  She didn’t buy it until we did a reenactment.  This time Tashi and Victoria were hugging. I came in to break them up and just as I did, a big cup of water came crashing down on my head.  Water soaked my hair.  The cup bounced off my forehead and Tashi died laughing.

 

The water was really cold.    

First Blog: Grand Opening

Welcome to my blog.  

I’m Andrea Askowitz and I wrote a book that’s coming out in May, 2008 with Cleis Press.  It’s called My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy.  You gotta read it.  My mom says it’s a little self-indulgent.  But, she followed that up with, “Of course it is, I mean, it’s a memoir.”  So I think that’s a ringing endorsement.  But don’t take my mom’s word for it.

Take Rachel Pepper’s.  She’s sassy and smart and wrote Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians.  About 10 years ago, before I even started trying to get pregnant, I picked up her book and it helped me throughout my pregnancy.  She said:  ”[My Miserable] is an occasionally despondent but usually hilarious tale… This is one book that should be mandatory reading.” 

Also, Louise Sloan, another smart and sassy woman, who wrote Knock Yourself Up, said something nice:  ”This is one whiny, bitchy pregnant lesbian–and you have to love her. Askowitz is funny and fearless in describing her journey to motherhood, complete with happy ending (the massage kind as well as the baby kind).”

But if you don’t believe those women, you can buy for yourself and tell me what you think. Please do.  And buy it for all the mothers in your life because it will be out just before Mother’s Day.  But it’s not just for mothers, I promise.  Men will like it too.  They especially like the description I give when the baby is coming through the birth canal.  I’ve read this in front of mixed crowds and the men scream the loudest. Don’t know why really, but they do.

For some reason you can get it at a reduced rate on Amazon.com or at Booksandbooks.com.  I don’t understand why it’s on sale, even before it’s for sale, but it is.  So, order it today and then one day in May you’ll get this box in the mail and you’ll be like, “Oh, a present for me!  What is it?”  And you’ll be so happy when you see My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy.  

 

Love,

Andrea